September 28, 2003


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Respons:I bf6rjan av din novell fe5r man se en filcka och hennes pappa som e4r pe5 ve4g till skolan. Ganska direkt inpe5 det intre4ffar olyckan, vilket innebe4r att resten av novellen i princip bara innehe5ller filckans tankar, funderingar, drf6mmar och minnen. Bra uppbyggnad! Du beskriver sje4lva olyckan bra och levande, men det skulle kanske kunna vara lite le4ngre beskrivet, ff6r nu ge5r det ganska snabbt se5 man hinner knappt fatta vad som he4nder, men det kanske e4r meningen? Det gick ockse5 lite snabbt ne4r filckan kom fram till pappan, jag fattade ff6rst inte att det var filckans tankar ”Jag har blod pe5 he4nderna.”.I princip hela novellen utspelar sig pe5 ve4gen, och under loppet av bara ne5gra minuter. Sje4lva miljf6n beskrivs inte se5 noggrant, vilket jag tycker du hade kunnat utveckla, be5de miljf6n i verkligheten och i hennes minnen, bla genom att anve4nda fler adjektiv och fler detaljer. Du hade ockse5 kunnat beskriva pappan lite mer som person, se5 att man fe5tt ”le4ra ke4nna” honom lite mer innan olyckan. Det me4rks att du verkligen har te4nkt pe5 vilka ord du ska anve4nda, och det e4r fint skrivet! Dock tycker jag att du skulle kunna skriva lite mer utff6rligt, tex vilka dofter hon ke4nner och vilka ljud hon hf6r, be5de i verkligheten och i sina drf6mmar och minnen. I sina tankar ste4ller filckan fre5gor som ”Lever han?” och ”c4r han kvar?”, vilket e4r je4ttebra! Jag fick en ke4nsla av att filckan fe5r lite panik ne4r hon ste4ller de fre5gorna, att mellan alla minnen se5 kommer plf6tsligt sanningen till henne. Bra!Man fe5r inte veta se5 mycket om personerna i novellen, vilket jag tycket e4r be5de bra och de5ligt. Som sagt hade jag velat veta lite mer om pappans personlighet och e4ven om filckans personlighet. Utseendet tycker jag man kan fe5 bilda en egen uppfattning om i huvudet. I bf6rjan trodde jag att filckan var ganska liten, men ne4r man sedan fick ta del av hennes tankar se5 blev jag lite ff6rvirrad, eftersom tankarna var relativt ”vuxna”. Se5 jag skulle ge4rna vilja veta hur gammal du te4nkt dig att hon e4r.Du visar att du har te4nkt till och har ett budskap i novellen i meningen: ”Vem gf6r se5? Nu he4nder det igen. Varff6r? Hur kan ne5gon vara se5 feg!”. Jag tycker att det e4r ett ve4ldigt bra budskap om att man ska vara e4rlig och ve5ga erke4nna det man gjort, men jag tycker att det skulle kunna framge5 lite mer i din text. Titeln e4r ganska avslf6jande, eftersom den i princip bere4ttar att pappan kommer att klara sig, se5 jag tycker du hade kunnat hitta pe5 ne5got annat, inte lika avslf6jande, som tex. Olyckan (kanske tre5kigt, men bara ett ex), ff6r de5 fe5r man bara veta att det kommer att he4nda en olycka och de5 blir det mer spe4nnande genom hela bere4ttelsen, eftersom man inte vet hur det kommer att sluta. Generellt sett tycker jag att novellen var ve4ldigt bra uppbyggd och fint skriven, speciellt slutet, det var ve4ldigt fint!

Posted by: Zemelda at Desember 7, 2012 3:13 EM

le5ngt ifre5n underne4rd! han ser tjoackre ut en min tf6s som e4r ett riktigt matvrak.aha, du e4r inte den ff6rsta med ett barn som protesterar med mat, testat hemlagat??den de4r banan grf6ten och mangopuren se5g ju riktigt maffig ut och me4ttande har du kommit pe5 den sje4lv?min dotter e4lskade sempers frukgrf6t men verkar vara lite kre4sen med nestles grf6tar eller testa som du ger viggo kramar.

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